Alien Human

I'm Sneezing at all the Blog-Dust

2008-03-17T20:29:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a loooong time since I posted, hasn't it? What can I say? In no particular order, here's what's happened to me:

-- I met a lovely woman (first initial Z.); we've been seeing each other for quite a while.
-- I finished my payroll accounting gig, then went out of my mind for a little while in December and January on all these part-time jobs, stressing out over my disappearing bank account, and trying to be creative.
-- I sold my feature film.
-- I joined a sci-fi/fantasy book club.
-- Grandmother died (finally! She was gone long before she left, if you know what I mean).
-- And I'm now working one full-time gig at a film festival (as a web programmer), and doing a rotation of side work (budgets, web programming, etc.) to make ends meet.

Well, enough about me. How about something more interesting:

Quest, By Charles Pasternak

A terrific book. I'd love to see this as the textbook in a high-school course of some kind, but where to place it - science or history? Simply, it's a tracing of the urge to quest, which Pasternak says is what distinguishes us from other animals. He finds the roots of questing in our single-celled ancestors, who developed mechanisms for turning towards and moving over to light and food sources. He traces this urge from single-celled organisms through our ape forebearers, providing a nice summary history of evolutionary theory, paleontology, and anatomy along the way. He then goes on to trace the history of several of our original civilizations, including their language, culture, and history, then speaks of the quests involved in art, religion and science. The last section of the book talks about current trends in our quest - genetically modified foods, gene therapy and stem cell treatment, and the impact of our species on the globe.

It's a good companion piece to Jared Diamond's work (he of Guns, Germs and Steel and Collapse). There are important differences between Pasternak (who's more conservative overall, and fundamentally more optimistic) and Diamond (who's more liberal, an dnot so sure we will make it), that will make for interesting reading.

Well, that's it for now. More earth-shattering stuff to come.

Alien

Reflections On July 4th

2007-07-04T14:19:00.000-04:00

My fellow citizens of the world, I am here today to present to you - and myself - with the challenge of living decently. I look around my country and despair. Our measure of our worth as people is our ability to make money, pay our bills, and generate wealth for the rich. We have terrible healthcare, pollution, and infrastructure crises. We are in the middle of an unjust war which will set the cause of freedom and democracy back across the world for decades. Our government has been coopted by multinational corporations - big pharma, oil, agribusiness, insurance, auto; the list goes on. Our search for spirituality, genuine love and compassion, fulfillment, and art has been fed into by these companies, which provide us instead with bigger cars, bad food, gadgets we don't need and shoddy consumer goods made by sweatshop labor.

The diamond chips in my and my ex-wife's wedding ring may very well have cost someone in Sierra Leone an arm. The soy I eat comes from former forestland mowed down for agriculture. My drinking water isn't safe without filtration.

And yet we live in comparative luxury with the rest of the world. My friends from other countries - Iran, Brazil, South Africa, and others - have experienced poverty and persecution that we can barely imagine.

I don't know what to do. I have no answers. The only thing I can think of is to be kind to others, vote, write letters, contribute to causes. Is it enough?

"Too much and too long, we seem to have surrendered community excellence and community values in the mere accumulation of material things. Our gross national product ... if we should judge America by that - counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for those who break them. It counts the destruction of our redwoods and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and the cost of a nuclear warhead, and armored cars for police who fight riots in our streets. It counts Whitman's rifle and Speck's knife, and the television programs which glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children.

"Yet the gross national product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education, or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages; the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage; neither our wisdom nor our learning; neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country; it measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it tells us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans."
Robert F. Kennedy

The Cure

2007-06-13T05:51:00.000-04:00

Think about life.

Get off at subway stop near bar.

Drink heavily (what's one more? I'm only buzzed).

Chat with folks 10-15 years younger than you.

Feel old and silly.

Go home.

Walk on platform repeatedly while waiting for train in futile atempt to burn off calories ingested.

Get bacon & cheese sandwich at local deli on the way home to absorb alcohol.

Feed cat.

Check email to see who loves you (bad idea).

Delete spam.

Write silly entry in blog.

Pass out.

3AM, Dating and Loneliness

2007-06-12T08:23:00.000-04:00

I spend most of my time focusing on what I'm doing. Getting absorbed in activity. Some good things have been happening in my life. There are some nibbles from companies on my scripts and movie. I've been dating, which is (mostly) a good thing. I'm starting a job (in late June) that promises a nice steady paycheck and a little less responsibility. By the time I'm done I'll be ready and willing to get back into indie-land. And my divorce is finalized.

But this past couple of days, especially late at night, I've been refocusing on what I'm feeling and thinking. My birthday is coming up - that always brings it out in me. Two years ago on my 35th birthday I realized my life wasn't going where I wanted it to go, and I started making some changes - the ones that have led me here. Now that I'm two years into the project, I'm wondering what I've glossed over, or haven't taken care of, or am doing well at. The success I want still eludes me, but I feel like it's closer each day. And I'm blessed (if an atheist can be blessed) with love from friends, family, and fellow travelers in the film life.

MOVIES

This is the season of sequels. Hollywood Studios have tossed in the towel - they just want to manufacture more of the same crap. I happen to like crap sometimes - I loved "Casino Royale" and even got into "Mission Impossible 3." But this year seems kinda silly.

But whatever. The more I know about film history, the less important a summer like this seems - Hollywood and the film business in general has been going through waves of artistically conservative and liberal tendencies since it started. Even in the middle of all the sequels, some things stand out:

Bug. This genuinely creeply psychological thriller (it's not a horror movie) will get under your skin and stay there. William Friedkin shows that he's still got it, Ashley Judd is terrific and very sympathetic, and the rest of the cast is great.

Waitress. This is an honest, beautiful, funny and sad movie all at once. I don't want to say too much.

Knocked Up. Funny as hell. But also deeper - it's about growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Day Watch. This is a sequel about Russian vampires (who also have other abilities) and are locked in a power struggle between the light ones and dark ones. Lest you think this is a retread of "Underworld" let me assure you that it's about a billion times smarter, more original, more fun, and more emotionally honest.

Oh, and go see Trees Lounge and Dead Like Me on DVD. Great stuff. More on them later.

Did You Ever Have...

2007-06-07T03:46:00.000-04:00

... one of those days where things seemed to just click? I've had a bunch of days where everything seemed to suck, so maybe I was overdue. Today even the bad news seemed to flow nicely into the good news. Hard to say why, and I don't want to go into details, but suffice it to say that today was a good day.

Love to y'all.

Back To Basics

2007-06-03T03:04:00.001-04:00

I guess I oscillate between the "small cute topic" and "semi-profound thought." I haven't had any really semi-profound thoughts lately, just the usual mix of disappointment, anger, wonder (some great sunsets, beautiful weather, and semi-naked beautiful people walking around), and happiness (I've been doing a lot of screenwriting and still photography work lately).

Fortunately, my cat keeps me sane. Here's a pic for you:

In terms of reading, I'm still going back and forth between "Moby Dick" and Bill Moyer's "World of Ideas."

Moyers is my hero. He's a great synthesist, seeing the underlying patterns between disparate expressions of thought. He's a terrific interviewer, always respectful, but also challenging and insightful. He's not afraid to bring his background to bear but never lets it dominate the conversation. And his sense of justice is clear but not dogmatic or screeching.

What's depressing is that the issues discussed in the book (published in '90, during Bush I's time) are pressing at us again: environmental ruin, the disappearance of public commons, the eclipsing of governments by corporations, racism, immigration issues, the rights of the individual, sexism... it's as if we've gone nowhere in the last seventeen years. Could that be true?

I read a book many years ago (about the same time as "World of Ideas" came out, actually) called "In the Country of the Blind" by Michael Flynn. It's about several groups of historians and scientists who discover a way to mathematically model future events - to predict history. Using this knowledge, of course they end up manipulating things for their own gain. One of the persistent themes in the book is that the bigger groups wants to turn everyone into "technoserfs" - people who are work, have enough technology to get by (and get distracted by), but are depoliticized and dependent both economically and politically on the very rich. In some ways I feel like we've reached that stage.

I've contributed money to politicians and some causes, have "e-signed" a few petitions, and I vote, but is it enough? Are we active enough? Does turning my appliances off at night / when I leave count for anything?

Alien Dating Tips

2007-05-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

I recently had a very pleasant first date, the first in a while. I was retelling the date (no, not like that) to my coworkers in the production office, and was getting big stares from both the men and women. Either I'm very old-fashioned or they've never had a good date.

Here are some tips, folks - mostly aimed at men, but a few for women as well. The tips below apply to GLTDs as well as breeders.

MEN:
1. Don't forget to call the next day.
2. Flowers are good and always appreciated.
3. Yes, you should pay. But don't make a big deal about it. It's just a nice thing to do.
4. Make at least one decision during the date - being flexible is good, but so is being decisive.
5. Listen and make mental notes; you will be tested on your recall later.
6. Don't talk excessively about ex-girlfriends/spouses/flings/etc.
6a. For that matter, don't talk excessively.
7. Say yes to shaving and dressing up.

FOR WOMEN
1. When your date doesn't call right away, it doesn't usually mean anything significant. We just suck at calling.
2. Don't assume your date is a jerk before he acts like one. I understand this sentiment - after enough bad dates it's tempting to think defensively.
3. Don't talk excessively about ex-boyfriends/spouses/flings/etc.

IN OTHER NEWS
Took a break from "Moby Dick" to read Bill Moyer's "World of Ideas II." It's a compendium of interviews from his late, great show interviewing artists, scientists, writers, etc on important topics. If you can catch this on DVD, you should. What's interesting is that the volume I'm reading was published in 1991 - but most of the issues that he's bringing up are still with us, both the good and the bad.

Go watch "Dead Like Me." Great series, cruelly cancelled by Showtime in its prime. I've been hearing about it for a couple of years, and finally started renting it on DVD. The main character is a reaper - someone who takes souls from their bodies just before death, and guides them into the afterlife. She and the other reapers are all souls that aren't ready to go on yet, so they "volunteer" until they collect enough souls.

Sounds gloomy, right? It's wonderfully funny and poignant. Even the deaths.

All right, until next time.

Egads It's May Already

2007-05-05T14:25:00.000-04:00

I can't quite believe it. It seems like only a month ago that I moved out and started my new life. But it's actually been more like 9 months.

Somehow all that time went by and yet it feels like I'm still waiting to breathe out. Sure, I accomplished a few things, but I still feel like things are just starting to happen. You know, in my life.

I got my learner's permit a couple of weeks ago. It's a long story but my original one was under my father's name (I've since taken my stepfather's name), so it was a big mess for a long time, having my birth certificate say one thing while all my other ID said something else. So I just put it off... until a few weeks ago, when I was in a fit of underemployment. Now for the driving test. That shouldnt' be a problem. I drove for years without a license (when I first starting PAing, I was so afraid of losing my job if I told them I couldn't drive, I just said okay). Talk about stupid.

My divorce is finalized, once I fork over some more money to the lawyer, and sign the last of the paperwork. My ex and I were talking about having a divorce party. Meanwhile, my friends are all on the other end of the spectrum - having their first kids, first houses, etc. I was the second of my circle of college friends to get married, and the third to get divorced. I suppose this could set a pattern (I hope not; my friends seem truly happy).

Oh, and I might be getting a television job. Five months of steady pay, semi-normal hours, and one place to report to every day. I've been freelancing for so long (eight years, with only one permanent stint in there that lasted 9 months until I had to choose between quitting and killing my boss) that the idea of settling down for any stretch longer than a couple of months scares me. But in five months at these rates, I could pay off most of my debt, have a semi-normal life, even write more than I do now.

Maybe I'm finally growing up. I hope not :)

More Health/Food Stuff

2007-04-23T03:22:00.000-04:00

I'm stoopidly proud of my weight loss, and feel like sharing my secrets with the world. Keep in mind that I'm not a small guy (6' tall, broad chest, heavy bones, big legs, big ass). When I weighed in at 210 in 1995, I looked skinny.

Flash-forward to early 2005: I weighed 270. I was about to turn 35, looked at the way I ate (poorly), how much exercize I got (none), and how I felt (old and tired all the time). Then I saw "Supersize Me" and realized just how messed up it all could be: diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart problems run in my family.

Now I weigh 227 lbs. I work out 3 times a week (fast-rep free weights at home, mostly, and I walk as much as possible). So here are my dieting/weight loss secrets:

GET DIVORCED. Nothing drives people to drink, gain weight, lose sleep, or do bad things than being in a relationship that isn't working. Food has always been my comfort drug.

DIETS DON'T WORK. Think substitutions, making small changes - not cutting stuff out.

MAKE SMALL CHANGES FIRST. The first thing I did was to cut back my soda intake to 2 cans/day. I was up to 6 or more. The immediate effect this had was to improve my mood and stamina, and I lost about 5 lbs. right away. Eventually I switched to coffee.

DON'T SWITCH TO DIET/NO-FAT/SUGAR-FREE STUFF. You need fat in your diet. It helps you feel full and adds flavor. Sugar-free stuff in my opinion actually makes your body crave sweets more.

WALK.

KEEP A FULLY STOCKED FRIDGE. If you stock your fridge you'll be tempted to eat out less and cook more. Plus overeating sometimes compensates for feelings of deprivation - don't add to them.

I HAVE NO WILLPOWER. I can't stop eating pretzels, ice cream, chocolate stuff, and sweets, so I don't have them in the house - but I don't stop myself from eating them if I'm out with a friend.

SUBSTITUTION WORKS BETTER THAN CUTTING STUFF OUT. If you can find a tasty food that's a little healthier than what you're used to eating, that's much better than simply cutting something out of your diet altogether. I now eat raisins and carrots instead of sweets. I eat soy and chicken instead of beef.

FIGURE OUT YOUR RMR (Resting Metabolic Rate). This is how many calories you consume each day just sitting around and breathing. If you want to lose weight this should be your target caloric intake. If you can exercize just a touch and/or eat JUST a little less than your RMR, you will lose weight (very slowly, but that's good).

LOSE WEIGHT SLOWLY. It took two years to get to the point where I now feel I can take my shirt off on the beach.

EXPECT SETBACKS AND FORGIVE YOURSELF.

IT'S REALLY OKAY TO EAT DESERT SOMETIMES.

So what did I substitute:

Instead Of	I Eat
Beef	Soy, Chicken
Ice Cream	Soy Ice Cream (seldom)
White Bread	Pitas (wheat/white)
Sweets	Raisins, carrots
Snacks	Yogurt
Soda	Ice coffee, seltzer, V8
Ordering In	Cooking More
No breakfast	Cereal
Milk	Soy Milk

Okay, there you go.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, WEIGHT DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY OR SOUL. Cliched point but knowing this helped me get through some tough times when I couldn't drop any weight at all.

Cooking With Alien

2007-04-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

In loving and sincere imitation of CityMinx, I offer you my first (and probably last) cooking entry: Veggie Bachelor's Delight.

INGREDIENTS:

(1) Container LightLife Smart Ground Original. This is soy-based "sloppy joe" meat. It has a ton of protein and no fat.
(1) Small jar of Tomato Sauce. I used Francesco Rinaldi Original Traditional Sauce. I used it because it was on sale for 80 cents at KeyFood.
(1) Block of cheese, any type - I used cheddar
(2) Pitas - I used Toufayan Bakeries Whole Wheat Pita, but I'm not fussy
Spices as per your pallet

Vegans please note that you'll want to look for non-animal-based tomato sauce and should substitute that disgusting rice cheese you guys use for the cheddar.

STEPS:

(1) Open up the Ground Round. Break off about half of the stuff into "crumbles" into a non-stick frying pan. Put the pan on medium-high heat.

(2) Open up the jar of tomato sauce, and pour in about 6 oz. (you don't want soup).

(3) After about three-four minutes, turn up the heat just a bit. Cut up a few pieces of cheese and put them in.

(4) After six-seven minutes, take the whole thing off the burner.

(5) Put the pitas directly on your burners, light them up, then flip them after about 20 seconds or whenever you smell toast (the goal is toasted, not carbonized, pitas).

(6) Dump the unattractive-but-delicious sloppy joes into the pitas, and enjoy.

I would have provided pictures but I ate everything too quickly.

Assuming the nutrition info is accurate, I figured that I ate the following:

Stuff	Quantity
CALORIES:	680
PROTEIN:	45 grams
FAT:	12 grams / 110 calories
CARB:	90 grams (mostly from the pita)
SUGAR:	17 grams (mostly from the sauce)
FIBER:	15 grams (pita + soy)

No trans fat, a lot of sodium (over 1000mg). But no grease, no animal hormones or other buggies to worry about.

If you think 680 calories is a lot, then scale back the number of pitas - or just eat it loose. Also keep in mind that I'm still a fairly large person (about 225 pounds). Most folks will be happy with a serving about half as big as this one.

COST:Well, you can make two or three of these dishes for about $10 (the smart Ground is half the cost; everything else you can get pretty cheaply). The Smart Ground can stay in the fridge for a while.

Okay, now that I've officially posted my "I ate a cheese sandwich" entry, I'm off to do other things.

I Hate April

2007-04-09T20:28:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I know I probably come off like a depressed snotty fucker. I probably AM a depressed snotty fucker, but let me explain:

(1) I use this blog in part to vent my frustrations;
(2) I don't believe in the power of positive thinking. I think that denying the darker aspects of life is a great way to ensure that they ensnare us (the return of the repressed and all that).

Anyway, that little preface aside, here's why I hate April:

(1) It's not warm enough to feel like spring.
(2) The light's not right. It's hard to describe, but it's not the high-angle blinding sun of winter, nor the mellow beautiful light of late spring/early summer. Everything feels a little washed out.
(3) This seems to be the dying season. The people I've lost, and others I'm close to have lost... it's hard to explain, but death seems to be everywhere.

I'm sure there's some great wisdom, some wonderful big picture to all this. Something about the budding of new life in the spring making the deaths stand out more than they would otherwise. But really, all I feel deep in my core is: this sucks.

At times like these, about the only balm for me is music and writing. Music reaches out past your intellect and gets into the core of your being like nothing else. Writing does the same, in reverse - you start from the core and it pours out your head (if you're lucky, anyway).

Stevie Wonder works for me at times like this, particularly Fulfillingness' First Finale. As does Rabih Abou-Khalil's new album, Songs for Sad Women. And my cat. He's on my lap right now, purring softly and sleeping. And a lot of people love me. So I do know, on some level, how lucky I am. But I still hate April.

Days Go By...

2007-03-29T11:33:00.000-04:00

I'm onto "Moby Dick." It's like chocolate layer cake - Melville's language is so rich and his imagery and metaphors so dense and textured that you can't read too much in one sitting. Oddly enough, the bite-sized reading is perfect for my subway trips, so I carry my copy in my backpack pretty much everywhere.

It's been a rough month. I jumped onto another film that had already started shooting, which seemed like no big deal. But it was a lot of long hours, a lot of time spent arguing with people, and I'm glad it's nearly over.

Spring has arrived, and the beauty of it never ceases to amaze me. The sun doesn't blast us with its rays anymore; the light is softer. People are softer, more open, their hearts thawing to let the blood pump in and the pheremones out.

More to come; I'm just a little tired at the moment.

What a Couple of Weeks...

2007-03-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I started a new company, finally finished the website for my film, entered a bunch more film fests, started rewriting a script, wrapped up the indie flick I was telling you about a couple of entries ago, and started working on another one. The new one has a great script, and some solid people working on it, but is also very hectic and I was brought in AFTER they started shooting. Whoo-boy.

I'm tired, pissed off all the time, underpaid and have no shot at a normal life as long as I keep this pace up.

On the other hand, I've been watching the sunrise over Astoria Blvd. a lot lately and it's beautiful. The harvest moon this week was awesome. I've lost some weight (in the past two years I've lost about 40 pounds). And I can feel the beginnings of spring.

Spring days in New York are like perfume. When a certain sea air blows over the city, bringing that tangy salt smell, and people start shedding their parkas, it's just wonderful. Walking down the block, the sun shining down, feeling light as a feather, checking out what everyone looks like now that the layers have come off, bopping to a tune in my head or over the headphones... You want to stop and bottle the experience, savor it like sipping a just-brewed cappucino, but what makes it so special is that it's so ephemeral.

At moments like those we stand on the edge of a new awareness. We see the beauty of the moment, and also know that it can't last forever, that everything changes over time. We're connected to all the similar moments in the past, and can feel a kinship with all the people we were in those moments. But we also know that we're different from those people. We are one and many, here and there, eternal and mortal.

Artists understand this (even if they don't get it consciously), as do those who practice esoteric spirituality. Sex can be like this (well, really good sex anyway). But it's a nice gift from the world when it just drops it into your lap.

Okay. Enough fun. Back to work.

February is Almost Over!

2007-02-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

Emotionally, February is the longest month of the year. Not sure why but those 28 (sometimes 29) days drag on like pony at a children's zoo strung out on heroin.

CityMinx and I broke up. Don't want to talk about it. Probably explains the valentine's day blog entry (apart from my general allergy to all things sugary-sweet). We're still friends, though, so that's good.

Got through a particularly difficult shoot. Typical post-partum depression afterwards, followed by the also-typical anxiety about income and the next job.

Lot of other things happened this month, most of them difficult.

The scenery isn't helping. New York City looks wonderful for about ten seconds during a snowstorm. Then the stuff hits the ground, mixes with the grime and crap and motor fumes, and suddenly the place looks like a big hairy dog in a bathtub.

But then you see something like this and everything's all okay again:

It's not a very good photo, but the sunrise on the Astoria Blvd. platform was beautiful.

And the book I'm reading right now, "Care of the Soul," is helping. The writer, Thomas Moore, was a monk for many years before becoming a therapist. He argues for a "return to soul" that's not specifically Christian or even necessarily religious, but is spiritual in a deep and meaningful way. He's not New-Agey (well, maybe a little) but rather recognizes the complexity of life's issues and states outright that he's not looking to "cure" anyone or help them "perfect" anything.
Anyway, I wish I'd read the thing ten years ago. Then my February probably wouldn't be crawling along (or, better yet, I would appreciate the crawling from a different perspective).

Here's to the Ides of March.

Happy F***king Valentine's Day

2007-02-16T08:08:00.000-05:00

(And no, it's not real).

Production Fatigue

2007-02-05T23:27:00.000-05:00

So the reason you haven't seen an update in a couple of weeks (or if you know me personally, haven't heard from me at all in a couple of weeks) is that I'm working on another indie feature.
This one has a great script, great group of people, and looks really good so far.

But it's becoming more and more difficult to work on. Hard to say why, and I don't want to really go into it. But it's days like these that I wonder why the hell I got into the production department.

A part of me is a classic messy-artist-type: I'm not great at filing things, and have automated all my bill paying so I don't run into late fees (which I used to constantly). When I'm working on a project, I tend to let other things fall by the wayside.

On the other hand, I'm capable of being very organized, even anal. So I get hired to keep other people organized while they're being messy artist-types. That's pretty much film production in a nutshell - the messy folks getting enough crayons from the organized ones so they can finish the drawing, without emptying out the whole box.

So how did I get from being one of the messy ones to being one of the grownups? I never wanted to grow up. I still don't.

Jesus, I Come Off Like a Snob

2007-01-18T23:25:00.000-05:00

Well, this wasn't the idea. Somehow I start wanting to write something personal, and end up writing about a book or a film or some semi-profound thing.

I suppose on the one hand it's the writer in me, wanting to keep y'all entertained. Plus, I feel like my personal life, while very interesting to me, is not necessarily so interesting to you. As Minx says, "I ate a cheese sandwich" is not necessarily a compelling blog entry.

Well, here's an attempt to talk a little about my personal life.

First off, I currently live in Astoria, New York, a neighborhood I fell in love with many years ago and recently got to know again, when I separated from my ex-wife (who lives in Manhattan). Oddly enough, I live about five blocks away from one of the last places I used to live before I moved in with my ex all those years ago.

Here's a quick view from my subway stop, Astoria Blvd (warning: it's big, and a little squished.

A rainy day, but quite beautiful.

I like the food, the people, my building, even the somewhat scary bar down the block from me (hey, the beers are cheap, and it's great to be able to literally stumble home).

The view is of the Triborough bridge, and (in the left background), Manhattan. The vista reminds me of my 20s, which is great - I had a more optimistic outlook on life then. It also reminds me that I'm not in my 20s anymore, and how I'm finally getting close to the place I wanted to be when I was in my 20s... now that my 30s are getting fewer in number.

Just last year I finally said I wasn't going to hedge my bets anymore, and try to pursue two careers (filmmaking and computer programming). I said yes to filmmaking, something I nearly did... eleven years ago, when I last lived in Astoria.

This is not to say that the eleven years in between weren't good ones... I fell in love, got married, made a movie with my ex-wife, wrote several scripts... and yet it's somehow taken me this long to get here.

Somehow, by the time my mother was my age, she'd had two kids, been married twice, had owned a house and a car... and I live with my cat in a studio apartment previously occupied by a college student. On the one hand, it seems to be taking me a long time to grow up. On the other hand, I think growing up is a big trap to avoid at all costs.

Well, that's enough personal crazy for now. Go see Pan's Labrynth and read Care of the Soul. Awesome movie and book. They go together like peanut butter and jelly.

2007 Resolutions For Indie Filmmakers

2007-01-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

Happy merry 2007 to all of you. I've compiled a list of resolutions that I hope and pray we will all be able to follow this year.

(1) Stop using the phrase "award-winning" in job postings, usually in conjunction with free jobs. If the director or producer has won awards and is such hot stuff, why is s/he still asking me to work for free. If the ad doesn't mention the name of the award, I'm even less impressed.

(2) Pay your crew & cast to work on your projects. I realize this isn't always possible, but a good goal to set nonetheless.

(3) Don't go into production hoping to put everything on credit. Production requires cash, and lots of it.

(4) Work out your post workflow before going into production.

(5) Stop whining about how video doesn't look like film. It's not supposed to. Talking movies didn't sound like silent ones, color movies didn't look like b&w, CGI didn't look like optical effects. Every time a new technology enters the picture, something is lost... and something is also gained. The important thing is that it's now cheaper than ever to tell your story.

(6) Stop hiring production design crew at the last possible second. These poor souls get beaten up on every production I've been on this year, because they end up working 'round the clock to make up for inadequate #s of prep days, too small a team, etc. You bring your DP on early enough, why not your production designer?

(7) Production designers, stop letting yourselves get exploited as per #6 above. Learn to say "no" and get some sleep.

(8) Break the "stars" mentality. I've seen some great films at festivals this year that will probably never get distribution because they have no "name" actors in them. These films would do really well somewhere (on cable, in limited release, etc.) One way to help is to vote with your wallet: see movies without name actors in them in those rare times when they come out theatrically. Watch direct-to-video releases (some of them are much better than their theatrical counterparts).

(9) Stay calm on set at all times, even if everything's on fire.

(10) Make your short/feature/pilot/doc/whatever already. Maybe you've got rescale your ambitions to match your wallet. Maybe it won't turn out exactly how you envisioned it. Remember when you were a kid and you just decided to do something and "just did it?" Have a little faith - you can't wait for the stars to line up perfectly.

(11) Enjoy your work. You're working in a field most people dream about being involved in. There's lots worse things to do in life.

Okay, that's it. Have a great 2007! Let's make some movies!

The Transparency of Reality

2007-01-04T00:33:00.000-05:00

Intellectually it may be easy to understand the idea that everyday reality is an illusion, but it often takes a good deal of prayer, meditation, or substance abuse to really feel it in your bones.

Fortunately, I sometimes find that staring at pictures helps. I took this at a bar a few days before new year's eve. I was screwing around with the slow shutter (I recommend trying this on your digital camera).

Anyway, I find for some reason that this pic captures that feeling of unreality better than any words I could use.

Oh, and the music was good too.

NEW BOOX

I finished Jared Diamond's Collapse, finally. Great book. Now I'm back to struggling with Investigations, by Stuart Kauffman. This is one smart dude. He's a biologist who unpacks who's trying to figure out the rules behind the complexity of life, and has some rather wonderful answers. But it ain't easy reading. Lots of graphs, math and some very tough prose. However, it's worth the slog, and he's clearly very passionate about what he's doing.

Okay, that's it for now. More personal stuff to come, I promise.

Peace on Earth...

2006-12-30T03:56:00.000-05:00

Well, the holidaze are nearly over.

A funny thing happened to me while I was walking around with the Minx on Xmas eve. We walked by the windows at Macy's. Apart from appreciating the talent that went into creating the windows, I also noticed something interesting:

People from all over the world and of all ages, races, creeds, etc. were standing by the windows, being nice to each other. Despite the crowd and the loads of kids (some of whom were acting a bit bratty), I didn't hear a single harsh word, feel a bump as I walked around (I get those a lot on the subway), or see anyone being anything but fascinated by the display:

For a brief few seconds, there was peace on earth. Sniff.

MOVIES AND BOOKS AND STUFF

Go see Childen of Men. Really interesting stuff, very well done. Have seen it twice this week (with two different folks) and am still processing it. I think my intellectual reaction will probably come later. My emotional reaction is: what an involving, heartfelt piece of work.

Finally got through Vellum. I told y'all about this sci-fi novel a few posts ago. I have to revise my opinion a little bit: it's a very good piece of work, and the writer is very talented. However, I really feel that a strong editor and a stronger sense of story would have propelled this novel into the stratosphere.

The piece is constructed to be nonlinear and somewhat post-structuralist in nature (there are multiple storylines that are interrelated thematically, that occur on different planes of existence and at different time periods). But the net effect is less than the sum of its parts. However, I'll probably still buy the sequel "Ink" when it comes out.

Happy new year folks! Peace on earth, goodwill towards all.

The Holidays Are Upon Us

2006-12-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

I just want to take a moment out to wish everyone the best of everything: peace, love, happiness, joy, all that good stuff.

Our world is a complex and sometimes frightening place. We are forced to judge our surroundings, the situations we find ourselves in, and the people we meet, based on very imperfect evidence, just to stay alive and focused on our day.

At holiday time this becomes more acute. What do I get someone? Do they really like this band's CD or am I getting them a present that's really for me? Is the person in front of me going to take that parking space?

When it's all over and done, you end up with a pile of used-up wrapping paper and a big credit card bill.

It's at times like these that I feel the most alien. I wish I could connect to people's hearts. I wish I could suspend my judgement of people and look at them as they really are. I can't really do it. I wish I could, but my own emotions (both good and bad) ultimately color the picture I see of them.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh and by the way, happy holidays.

Control And the "Fuck It" School of Film

2006-12-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

The other night I went out to work on a new script. Sometimes I find writing alone in my apartment too onerous - I need to be around people even if I'm not interacting with them, just to feel like I've got some connection to the rest of the world. And sometimes there's too many distractions at home - television, the cat, my bed (which looks very attractive right now), etc.

Anyway, so I wander out to this cafe/bar I'd passed by before, went in and settled down to work - and I saw that a musical act was setting up shop. Oh well, I thought, maybe I should try somewhere else. But I had my iced cappucino in my hand already, and they were a few minutes away from starting, so I decided to keep going.

Anyway, the act started - and they were terrific. Nothing complicated: a singer, a bassist (fretless electric, wow!) and a pianist. The bassist also played violin on some numbers. Mostly covers ("Love For Sale," "Us and Them", "You Give Me Fever") and a couple of original tunes.

Great stuff. And I still got some writing done after they were finished.

If I'd tried to control the situation by going somewhere else, I would have missed out on something really wonderful. This brings up the issue:

Is control such a great goal? Is it possible, even?

I ask myself these things because my job requires me to stay on top of a lot of things at once: money, people, equipment, scheduling, locations etc. If I lose control of something, bad things happen - we don't get done on time and/or on budget.

At least, that's the theory. The dirty truth is, I don't really have control over very much at all, except when I show up for work (unless the subway decides to fuck me, in which case even that goes out the window). Everything else is held in place by a kind of contract or agreement. Even so, bad things happen all the time. Equipment breaks on the weekend. It rains out while we're trying to shoot a sunny park scene. The sun just WON'T stay up for another goddamn minute (the worst thing to hear is "We're losing the light!") And maybe someone on the crew got a day-play gig for tomorrow that pays triple what you're paying, and hasn't been able to find a replacement for himself yet. And on and on.

But out of these accidents and "bad things" have come some great moments, the "fuck it" moments. Like when I said "fuck it" and decided to stay and see the band.

When it rained cats and dogs on the last shoot I was on we kept shooting because it actually worked for the story better. No one was terribly happy (it was also cold out) but it worked. On my own film I used a couple of outtakes because the actors were more relaxed, more real, than when we were officially "rolling." Once or twice the lead actor dropped something and, because he's supposed to be tired and a little clumsy in the story, his reaction worked better.

This leads me to wonder how many of those brilliant moments in the movies we love came out of the "fuck it" experience. In the original Star Wars (Episode IV for the geeks out here) there are some scenes where the wind on Tattooine (actually, Tunisia) picks up in the middle of a take, blowing Luke's hair and Obi-Wan's robe around. I'm sure it wasn't planned, but at those moments you feel like you're in the desert with them. There's nothing like that in the last three movies to make you feel like you're in a real environment.

Anyway, your homework assignment is to walk around the city and take a minute from your busy schedule to see what happens. Get off on a subway stop you've never gotten off of before. Walk into a restaurant you've never eaten at. Surfing the internet sort-of counts, but I think the problem is that you're still taking in information solely through your eyes - there's no physical activity involved. One of my favorites is to buy a magazine at Hudson News that I've never read before.

Good luck! Report back.

A Week of Snot

2006-12-05T19:38:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, wrapping up a film can be SO much fun. The crumpled up receipts, the invariably late art department, the paperwork you thought you had in your box but didn't, and the inevitable sickness that accompanies the end of a job. My head feels like a Gatorador full of snot with my nose acting as a faucet.

So, I've spent most of the last week trying to get out of bed to go into the office and put all the paperwork bits into their proper places.

So now I'm starting to think about Xmas and all the crap that goes along with it (cards, presents, buying stuff you can't afford, watching happy couples walking around hand in hand, which makes you want to chop them off, etc.)

On the other hand, I love the city this time of year. The light is beautiful. Here's a couple of recent pics to keep you happy:

The first one is heavily Photoshopped. The second features one of my best friends on the planet, my kittie (it's a "he" in case you're wondering). Expect more of these cat shots.

READING: It's Good For You ...

I'm reading a novel at the moment called "Vellum." I really, really want to love it. But sadly, I can't quite recommend it. It's TOO fragmented, TOO full of itself, to be good. The author is talented but needed to stop thinking he's Pynchon crossed with William Gibson and James Joyce, and just try to write a fucking straightforward sentence.

The Amazon.com Link to Vellum

... And Tastes Great Too!

On the other hand, I'm also reading Wallace Stevens. I've been reading other folks who quote him a lot, so I figured it was worth getting the "Collected Poems" book.

Well, it ain't easy reading. On the one hand, I can finish a single poem on a subway ride. But that doesn't mean I can understand it. However, even without understanding it completely, I feel moved by it. Which is, sadly, more than I can say for Vellum.

The Amazon Link to Wallace Stevens collected poems.

Another thing that inspires me about Stevens is that he was 36 when he started attaining critical success. He was no spring chicken, in other words. So there's hope for all of us (including me) who haven't reached fame and fortune by the age of 25.

Love and Death on Set

2006-11-27T19:52:00.000-05:00

Just finished production on a nice little indie feature. Good people. Good story.

I'm still tired as hell from the production process, but in moments like this (before the flurry of problems that come AFTER the film is "wrapped"), I think about what I've just gone through for the past month.

It's funny how completely anti-intellectual filmmaking can be. The actual process of production is like putting a jigsaw puzzle together in the back of a 4x4 that's rolling really, really fast over a rocky, pothole-ridden road. At night. With no headlights. There's very little time to think. Most of the time you just hope you've gotten it in the can.

At the same time, you exert tremendous brain-power trying to solve problems before they blow up into full-fledged crises. Or, on a better day, make things smoother, or make the shot more interesting or the performance deeper.

There are a handful of movies that sort-of capture this process well. "Living in Oblivion" does a good job. "State and Main" gets the army-invades-small-town vibe right, but misses the actual production part. "Heart of Darkness" is interesting to watch but most of the filmmakers I know (myself included) would like to have Coppola's problems (a studio film? a big budget? trying to control a "small" fleet of helicopters? Sign me up!) And of course, there's "Day for Night," which is terrific, but everyone has a lot more sex in it than I remember ever having on one of my sets (of course, it is a French film).

I think, though, that the definitive movie-about-making-indie-movies has yet to be made.

OTHER TOPICS:

I scanned in a picture of a pita for CityMinx (link to her blog). I liked what the scanner did so I decided to mess with the pic a bit. Now it's the pita from hell!

Why was I scanning in a pita? Don't ask.

A MOVIE YOU SHOULD SEE

"The Fountain." Okay, it's not necessarily the greatest thing since sliced pita (you knew that was coming). It's NOT as wonderful and fantastic and profound as Darren Aranofsky would have you believe. But it's a lot smarter and more daring that 90% of what's out there right now, and if you can let yourself watch it without trying to impose too much on it, you'll see its beauty, its meditative nature, its brave attempt to ask some very big questions.

The fact is that any movie that stirs up such mixed reviews is something you should see. If the critics can't decide on it, it's worth looking at to see what they're so confused over. Film history shows that many of the "classics" got bad reviews when initially released.

Anyway, that's it for now. Mo' structured, less rambling posts to come, I promise.

Welcome To My World

2006-11-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am in blogland.

Funny thing is, I remember a version of blogging from WAAY back in the mid-80s. You used to have electronic bulletin boards (sometimes called EBBSes or BBSes). These were usually maintained by one or two dedicated folks (SysOps) on their own home computers, hooked up via dialup modem (remember those) to a dedicated phone line. You could dial one up, email folks (but only other folks on that BBS), chat with the SysOp, or post random/semi-random thoughts to a bulletin board. Stuff like want ads or collaborative stories (where everyone took a turn), or just musings (sort of like... a blog).

Anyway, all of this got swept aside in the Internet juggernaut. I frankly miss the more home-crafted nature of those BBSes sometimes.

So much for memory lane. Onward then:

This blog is mostly going to be about my state of mind, what I'm reading, and things I catch out of the corner of my eye. As a writer and film person (I work a lot as a producer or production manager on indie films), I often feel like an alien sent down to observe human behavior. Hence the title of the blog.

I'm a guy in my thirties, and live in the greatest city in the world, aka NYC. I'm a lefty, so I'll probably make some very bad statements about conservatives. I apologize in advance... sort of.

I don't have much of a personal life at the moment (that's partly by choice, partly 'cause I work so damn much), but you'll get the picture after a few entries. [If I ever get this thing going past a few entries, that is.]

LET'S START WITH A BOOK
Well, to make this a touch more interesting, here's a book you should be reading RIGHT NOW: it's called "Collapse" by Jared Diamond (the guy who wrote "Guns Germs and Steel." In "Collapse" he talks about the why and how different societies suffer fatal or near-fatal collapses (hint: the environment and our treatment of it have something to do with it), and offers several historical and contemporary examples of collapses. This may seem like dry, academic reading, but I assure you it's not. He's a teacher so he knows how to dole out information in digestible chunks.

Anyway, I want you all to read this book and get back to me with a full 25-page report.